


the universe was kind when it let me fall in love with you

by myeuphorio



Series: polaris [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Akaashi Keiji is a Good Friend, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bokuto Koutarou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Bokuto Koutarou is a Good Friend, Declarations Of Love, Dissociation (DPDR mentioned), Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epistolary, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by Real Events, Kozume Kenma in Love, Letters, Love, M/M, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, POV Kozume Kenma, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Terminal Illnesses, Therapy, True Love, kenma is doing his best okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 17:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myeuphorio/pseuds/myeuphorio
Summary: The echoes of the love that you left behind have become my everything, and even in reliving the pulses of the pain reflected in your eyes that day, the words from those echoes that were etched into my heart will resonate like our wedding bells that could never be.Kenma knows. He knows that Tetsurou's letter is a truly precious possession, and he knows that he will carry that letter with him until his own bitter end. All he wants to do is to let Tetsurou just what it means to him, and just what his death has done, so as Tetsurou's sixth anniversary comes around, he finally manages to write a response. This... is that response.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou (mentioned), Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: polaris [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2203692
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	the universe was kind when it let me fall in love with you

**Author's Note:**

> **In loving memory of my own Polaris**
> 
> This is the second instalment of my Polaris series. At first, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get this out on time (March 17th marks the date this letter refers to), but about three hours ago I was hit with the motivation I needed to finish this and I was able to churn out the final 3.6k I needed to get it finished. 
> 
> This fanfiction also alludes to Tetsurou's death- I haven't tagged this one as **Major Character Death** either because, yet again, his death doesn't actually happen, but it _is_ explicitly referenced. Please read the tags for any trigger warnings, and please skip over this fanfiction if you are not in a good headspace because it deals with very heavy emotional content. 
> 
> As with **[you light my skies and guide me home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29961672)** , this fanfiction is not beta read, so once again please forgive any mistakes I may have missed.

Kuro,

This… isn’t the first time I’ve sat down to write this letter, Kuro. By this point, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve sat down to try and only been left with a crumpled sheet of paper, stained with tears and torn by the amount I’ve crossed out. I’m always desperate to try and get the right words out for you, but I’ve never been good with them and just can’t quite get it, so...

I’m sorry, but I need to do this once and for all, Kuro. I need to do this: for you; for me; for  _ us. _

I love you. If there is one thing I really want to be able to say with this, it’s that I  _ love  _ you, and that I always will. You’re my everything and  _ nothing  _ will change this. Even if I’ve never been good with words; even if this letter never reaches you… it’ll be okay. You already know all of my feelings, after all.

Beginnings have never been easy for me and you know this, too, but I’ve become terrified of them since you’ve been at peace. I’m so scared that I’ll start something-  _ anything- _ with someone, get attached and then be left behind as they go somewhere I can’t follow. I’m so scared that I’ll have to watch another chapter end without me, and I’m so,  _ so  _ scared that I’ll have to relive what happened to you, completely powerless to stop it from slipping through my fingers as I watch on as an unwilling witness. I’m so scared, Kuro, and yet I’m somehow not scared of beginning this letter. Not any more.

It’s been six years now. Six years today since the day you died. Six years today since you last laughed, last spoke, last cried. Six years today since you last breathed. Six years today since you took me weakly by the hand and told me with your last words that you’d love me forever and wait as long as it takes. Six years today since I got to tell you that I love you, too, and see the way your eyes soften for the last time as you squeezed with what little strength you had left.

Six years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but it has felt like an eternity. Nearly two thousand two hundred days have come and gone since the one you passed and not a single one has been where I haven’t missed you terribly; where I haven’t woken up or fallen asleep without thinking of you; where I haven’t looked up to the sky and wondered if you’re thinking of me, too.

When I take the time to think about just what six years really means, I find myself lost. Two thousand two hundred days is a number that I can’t comprehend, even if I’ve lived it. Millions of seconds have now passed without you here, and soon, a time will come where you’ve been gone longer than I ever got to have you by my side. I can’t even really describe the feeling that thought makes me have, but it hurts, Kuro. It hurts so much.

The moment you died never left me. It  _ haunts  _ me. Your flatline has been branded into my memory like a life-sentence, and it torments me daily as the shadows close in when I’m alone. Even after all this time, it’s there on the backs of my eyelids amongst the blur of that night. It’s an unwanted clarity that completely destroyed me-  _ still  _ destroys me- but when I find myself focused during those flashbacks, it’s almost as if I can still feel the ghost of your arms around me and the thrum of your last heartbeats at my fingertips. It’s... almost as if you never left me at all.

The universe is cruel, Kuro. It was cruel when it entwined us so tightly, and then when it violently ripped you from me. It was cruel when it plainly promised us a lifetime together, and then when it left me here to go forward to the rest of my lifetime alone. It was cruel when it made you suffer so severely, and then when it ruthlessly stole you as its prize. Even now, it is so,  _ so  _ cruel in the way I still think of you with even a glimpse of the colour red and yet… the universe was kind when it let me fall in love with you. It was kind when it let me become a part of you, and it was kind when it let me take a part of you in return- a part that I still see as a phantom of the memory that you left behind in me whenever I look in the mirror. Even if it’s disconnected, it’s almost like I can still see you there in my peripheral vision, making sure that I’m alright even after all this time. For allowing me the comfort of knowing that you live on as a part of me, I am grateful to and have forgiven this cruel universe, and I hope that one day, you too might be able to forgive it.

The two of us, we’ve hurt each other and been hurt by each other countless times, and yet… and yet I still love you more than I could possibly put into words. Even if I’ve been torn apart by my surroundings until there’s nothing left, we’ve always ended up clinging onto each other for dear life as I put myself back together because you’re the only permanence I’ve ever known. Regardless of the ways we’ve clashed or misspoken, I never found myself wanting anything but the you who is headstrong and unapologetic; who only ever wants the best for himself and for me. Even in your death, you were only ever thinking of me and whether I’d be alright, and to the me who still just isn’t ready to say goodbye yet, knowing that you live on within me and that I live on within you reminds me that I can keep you close and never truly close this chapter of my life. As long as you want me, Kuro, you’ll have me.

I… was incredibly lucky in the wake of your death, in a way. Our closest friends never left my side, even as I began spiralling and even as they were suffering so greatly themselves, and without them, I would have joined you a long time ago, but…

I’m  _ lonely _ , Kuro.

I was permanently changed in the wake of your death. The person you were in love with is not the same person that I am today- to the point that I can’t even recognise that man anymore. I’ve burnt bridges that I didn’t wish to burn as I desperately tried to maintain some semblance of control over my surroundings, and even to this day, I am facing the consequences of my actions. Many of the relationships I held-  _ we  _ held- were warped beyond repair by my early coping mechanisms, and no matter how much I apologise and we move forward, the familiarity and ease around each other will never be the same with most. That’s why when I look at people like Keiji or Koutarou or Shouyou and remember that they never left my side or held my actions against me, I feel guilty. Without them, I wouldn’t have been able to make it, but I feel  _ guilty  _ that they chose to put their efforts into supporting me whilst I healed instead of healing themselves.

Despite saying that, I… don’t really remember much of what happened in the immediate aftermath of your death. I remember being at your side as you held me in your arms, and I remember the flatline once you’d taken your last breaths. I remember hearing as they pronounced your time of death- 4:27am scarred into every fibre of my being- but… then there’s nothing. I don’t remember leaving your hospital room, nor do I remember leaving the hospital in general. The first thing I truly remember following your death... is the weight of all those pills in my hand as I went to try and join you.

Truth be told, I  _ resented  _ you. I’m not the kind of person to hold hatred towards others as I find such intense emotions to not be worth the exertion, but goddammit, Kuro, I have never felt such loathing for someone before. Every cell in my body that ever held love for you seemed to have been poisoned with malice as I found myself contemning the fact you had left to go where I could not follow. All I had ever wanted to do what to protect you- to stay by your side- and yet there I was, so overwhelmingly and undeniably  _ alone _ because you had forsaken me. You had broken your promise to stay by my side forever, and suddenly the engagement ring on my finger felt like some  _ curse.  _ I took you for a liar, and I detested the fact that even then I loved you just as much as I always had; detested the fact that I was beguiled with the sweetness of your falsehoods. Every word of yours had become threadbare, but no matter which way I looked at it, nothing changed. Hatred and love are one and the same, it seems- both different sides of the same coin- and for once in my life, I found myself begging for my apathy back. You had painted my life in brightness but without you, it was like some psychedelic nightmare. All I could think was that if I took those pills, then I’d be with you again; that if I took those pills, then for the first time since you had passed, I’d have my life back.

It was Keiji that found me on that late April evening little over a month after you died, curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor with the pills spilt around my feet. I remember the look of pure terror in his eyes as he saw my shaking body and tear stained cheeks, and I remember the way that he took my hands in his and just told me that  _ it’s okay to be hurt.  _ In that moment, it was exactly as if a dam had broken within me, and suddenly I was telling him  _ everything _ . I remember telling him of the nightmares- how I was reliving your death over and over again unable to make it go away- and of the incessant hyperarousal that threatened to destroy my every waking moment. I had become a complete shell of the person I used to be, and as much as I may have known something was wrong, I didn’t care until it became too much. I still remember the way he pulled me into his chest and just rocked me back and forth as he apprehensively asked me why I hadn’t taken the pills. I can still feel the soft fabric of his shirt in my grasp as I told him I couldn’t kill you all these weeks later.

I don’t think I truly had the words to describe my thoughts back then. Even now I’m not sure I do but… it’s like the piece of you I got when we became a part of each other filled the hole that was left when you died. Part of me died with you that day, and as I went to take those pills, ready to join you once and for all, your smiling face flashed through my mind, and I was hit with the epiphany that  _ I hold a part of you that no one else does _ . If I were to join you, then all the moments that we and we alone share would die, too. If I were to join you, I would be just as much of a liar as you were, and I just… I couldn’t bear to kill what little piece of you I was keeping alive. Even if I no longer had the capacity to care about what happened to me, nothing could change the fact that you were and are my world, Kuro, and I could never forgive myself if I were to destroy the only thing I had left of you. Your memory may have driven me to that point, but it’s also what stopped me from following through and, fuck, Kuro, even now thinking about that is overwhelming for me.

Even if I didn’t have the words back then, though, I think Keiji understood me anyway. He just held me close, rubbing my back and shushing me soothingly as I cried into his neck, and it was like that when Koutarou found us. I think he’d noticed that Keiji hadn’t returned yet, and then come to find us. Honestly, I think he instinctively knew something was wrong with me because I can still clearly remember the way he slammed the front door open with a scream of our names, and the way his chest heaved as he found us and pulled us into a tight embrace, shaking with adrenaline. If it wasn’t for those two finding me that day and physically holding me together, telling me that the way I was feeling was  _ valid _ and that there was  _ no shame in having been so broken by the experience _ then I don’t think I would have had the courage to admit just how much I was suffering with your loss. Without those two, I’m not sure I’d be writing this letter at all.

I... don’t really remember much of what happened in the aftermath of that night, either. I remember how Keiji and Koutarou became even more permanent fixtures in my life, manoeuvring around their busy schedules as much as they could to make sure I wasn’t left to my own devices too much. I also remember the way Shouyou and I became even closer, and the way he had become such an incredible support for me even if he was constantly busy with his preparations to go to Brazil the following year. They’re… not particularly distinctive memories, more of a sea of memories that blurred together into one, but I think that’s okay with me because without these three? Without these three I wouldn’t have found the inspiration and determination to  _ heal;  _ to  _ live _ .

With their help, I was able to go to therapy and get a formal diagnosis. I… don’t think the PTSD diagnosis surprised any of them, really (or even surprised myself), but it still shook me to the core. There was something about putting a formal label- a  _ taboo  _ label- on what was wrong with me that absolutely terrified me, but even if I can’t remember those initial therapy sessions, I know much better now that getting that diagnosis was my first true step into healing. Getting that diagnosis… was my first true step into regaining control of my life again.

Even then, being the one with PTSD was never an enjoyable experience. The early days where I was breaking and then finally broke, along with the first weeks of learning how to put myself back together again, are gone to me. I really do remember very little about them, but I’ve heard what happened to me. Even when my memory becomes less unreliable, I still remember the spontaneous panic attacks and flashbacks; the way I’d have mental breakdowns in lectures and be escorted outside so as to not cause any further “distractions” to my coursemates. I remember the way they’d tell me that I was too young to have been in love and that I’d just move on; that I’d just find someone else and convince myself I was love with them too so that I’d get over your death quicker; that I was just being dramatic and that being so torn up over the past was pathetic. Just… thinking about it now still hurts, Kuro, but I also know better than I did back then.

Back then, I couldn’t even say what happened to you. Those that hadn’t known of your condition really just assumed we’d broken up when I’d say that you “moved on”, and I really didn’t have the strength to tell them that I didn’t need their break up advice- that I wouldn’t find someone else because the man I committed my entire being to didn’t leave me on his own accord. So many people would come up to me and just give me their condolences on a nasty end and that it’s okay to wait before casting out a net to see the fish in the sea, whilst others would tell me that I was being a pathetic attention whore, and I just detested it. I was insulted at the way they acted like they knew my story, but I also felt powerless back then. I’d barely recovered and didn’t know what to do with myself, so I just… let myself be all the things they said about me. It hurt but I’d already experienced the pain of your death. As long as I remembered that pain, nothing they said could hurt me in a meaningful way.

I’m sure you know now due to the way that I’ve talked in this response, but I received your letter just like you wanted me to, and it was just… it was if you saved me all over again, Kuro. Somehow, you were able to pinpoint exactly what I needed to hear from you when and where I needed it most, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my life. I remember how I was sitting on the floor with Shouyou, Koutarou, Keiji, our parents and some of our old Nekoma teammates as I unwrapped all the presents, and I remember how your parents looked at each other before briefly excusing themselves. I remember feeling so confused as they left, wondering if I had done something wrong, before they returned only moments later with your letter in your mother’s hands. She shakily handed it to me, telling me how it was the most important present she had to give me, and I just remember dropping it in shock as I saw your handwriting. I… really couldn’t believe my eyes, and in the very moment that I managed to get it open and read the words “My Kenma”, it had become my most prized possession. That letter just  _ did  _ something to me, Kuro, and suddenly? Suddenly I felt  _ proud.  _ I had promised to be by your side forever, to keep you safe and keep you happy, and your letter let me know that I had done just that. Even if you were gone, you left this world feeling  _ loved  _ and that was all I could have ever asked for. You managed to completely demolish my anxieties in just a handful of pages and I only wish that I could find the words to properly thank you.

I love you.

You called me your Polaris, but if there’s anyone that’s Polaris, then it’s you. The sky is a vast empyrean that connects our souls, lighting up in a myriad colours whenever our hearts beat as one. It is a sky that we spent years loving together, and if that is where you search for me then know that I am right there where you seek. Please don’t be afraid to be selfish with me because for as long as you need me to light your skies and guide you home, I am right there as your compass. If it is the path your red string takes you that you tread, then I will be here waiting for the day that we meet in the middle. If it is my light at your fingertips that you seek, then you can trace me with them for as long as it takes before you are satisfied. Use me, abuse me, and be my devoted follower for as long as you so wish, Kuro, for the blood that runs through my veins is yours and yours alone. Every single drop is for you,  _ infused  _ with you, and for as long as I shall live will I protect you. Until we can embrace each other once again-  _ kiss  _ each other once again- I will protect you, right until that bitter end. Anything and everything for you, Kuro. It’s all for you.

I love you.

Your letter gave me the confidence that I needed to say it openly; to say that I lost the love and light of my life. It was liberating, in a way- like I’d finally found the key that unlocked the path to healing properly- and for the first time since you’ve been gone, I was truly able to say that I am okay with being the way I am. I was no longer ashamed of being scarred the way I was, and even to this day, I’m grateful. All I ever wanted to do was be by your side as your happiness was the only thing that mattered, and carrying the weight of the memory of the moment you died is my proof that I did well on my promise to you. Even if it means that I will be maimed and wounded for potentially the rest of my life, I find myself unable to care because it means that I was there when you needed me most. Even if it means that I will carry your flatline to the ends of the earth, I’ll still be able to forgive myself my pain because I know that I’d rather suffer like this than to have you suffering so horrifically like you did. If it means that I can spend those twelve years at your side again, being your everything like this again and have you die with a smile on your face again, then I’d do everything again in a heartbeat.

I love you.

I remember the way I passed the letter to Keiji and Koutarou once everyone had bid their goodbyes. Even if it was addressed to me, I just felt as if they deserved to read it, too- as if they  _ needed _ to read it, too- and if the way that their hands tightened around one another as they held it in between them; if the way that Keiji ended up kissing Koutarou’s tears away was a sign, then I’m inclined to believe that I made the right choice by letting them read it. Even if it was addressed to me, I think they needed that same reassurance that I did, and I think that, in some way, it saved them, too.

I love you.

Looking back, I’ve come such an incredibly long way since that moment you died, and even up until recently, I’ve been learning things about my condition. Last year, after almost five years without a new diagnosis, I was diagnosed with what felt like the final piece of the puzzle- depersonalisation derealisation disorder. That diagnosis, terrifying just like PTSD all those years ago, explained so many things that I had continuously written off for  _ years _ , and for the first time since you were alive, I truly feel like I know the person that I have become. Even if I have struggles with my attachment to myself and my surroundings, I’m proud to know that the terrified Kenma, broken beyond what he thought possible, was able to pick himself off of the ground with the help of his support system and keep moving forward.

I love you.

Back then, I truly  _ was  _ broken. It took many years before I started to feel like all the pieces of who I once was were beginning to slot back into place, better and stronger than anything I ever was before. I’m so incredibly proud but… it’s bittersweet, in a way. The way people looked at me when I finally said “my boyfriend died in my arms” was just full of  _ pity,  _ as if I was defective and needed their assistance. Over the months I had been in therapy, I had worked so incredibly hard to be able to begin putting myself back together, and instead of seeing the recovery that I had been making, I was written off as weak before I got the chance to prove myself. Even to this day when people find out, they look at me with  _ those  _ eyes and in the same breath tell me I’m one of the strongest people they’ve ever met, and I despise it. I’m traumatised, not piteous, and nor am I the embodiment of my trauma. Just because I was broken once doesn’t mean that I still am, and now that I have you ever at my side, I can do anything, Kuro. I don’t need those eyes as long as I have you.

I love you.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that somehow? Somehow there seems to be a trauma hierarchy. Classmates who went through traumatic experiences almost always seemed to find a way to diminish their own suffering and put me on some pedestal instead and I just… I felt so  _ guilty _ , Kuro. Bad breakup? Kenma’s boyfriend  _ died.  _ Pet death? Kenma’s  _ human  _ died (weird as that sounds). Family death? Kenma’s  _ boyfriend  _ died. People would always downplay their own experiences when it came to being around me, and even though I know that they meant no harm, it just caused me to feel like my existence was invalidating to them- that I couldn’t even be in their proximity because your death became a competition. It made me feel like talking about my experiences was something that I just wasn’t allowed to do if it wasn’t with Keiji or Koutarou or Shouyou or my therapist because it was hurting others, and every time it’s like I’ve been whisked back to those early days where I was being told to just “get over it”. Even after all this time, I wish that I could just mourn you in peace, Kuro. I wish that I could talk freely about how much you mean to me without it becoming some sort of comparison, and I wish… I wish that I could just talk about loving my boyfriend instead of my  _ dead  _ boyfriend. I wish I didn’t have to qualify that every time.

I  _ love  _ you.

The echoes of the love that you left behind have become my everything, and even in reliving the pulses of the pain reflected in your eyes that day, the words from those echoes that were etched into my heart will resonate like our wedding bells that could never be. I’ll become someone you’re proud of- just watch me- and I’ll let the whole world know that Kuroo Tetsurou has been worth every moment I’ve dedicated to him. I’ll let the whole world know that I am and yours and yours alone so that one day our legacy can be carved out in the constellations above.

I love you, Tetsurou- more than absolutely anything else in the world in a way that rivals the stars and more- and when the time finally comes, we will meet again, just as you said,

Your Polaris; Your Kenma ♡

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Support of the series is greatly appreciated but of course, not mandatory. The third and final part of this trilogy is currently in the works, but whether it will be next week or the week after is yet to be decided as I'm struggling rather a lot with how I want to format it. Please look forward to it nonetheless!


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